The Journey To Me

Last week I had my first colonscopy.  I'm hoping I won't have a repeat performance until I'm in my 50s.  It wasn't even the procedure that was aweful (it really and truly wasn't bad).  It was the STUPID DRINK I had to have the day before.  Talk about sickly sweet and GROSS!  Blech!  I could barely gulp it down without gagging.

Thankfully, everything seems to look ok...won't have official results for about 10 days or so...hopefully sometime next week.  We'll see.  The one thing the doctor did see was something that might indicate I have IBD--irritable bowel disease.  That would explain a long 8 years of digestive issues.  Hopefully I'll get some definitive answers soon, but I decided that I'd take some action until then.

About 2ish years ago, I had a blood test and tested positive for Celiac Disease.  The endoscope that followed did not confirm the diagnosis, so I apparently don't have Celiac Disease.  I still have digestive issues, though.  I've done everything to relieve it, but until now, I didn't really go full-force on an elimination diet.

After last week's procedure, I decided to try and do a wheat-free/gluten free diet and see how I feel. 

I FEEL AWESOME!

It's scarey how GOOD I feel.  I seriously don't feel any pain like I've had for 8 years. 

The best part is I managed to lose 3 pounds this week.  Yippee!

Now, I'm on a quest for some good wheat-free/gluten free recipes.  I guess it helps to keep the more processed foods away from my mouth and keep me on the "clean" eating path.

There's always a silver lining, huh?

It's gone and I don't know where it went!

Before Christmas, I was on a roll.  I was 'in the zone' and working well at keeping on track, exercising and getting the weight down.

Then the week after Christmas happened and I somehow pulled something in my back. That laid me up for a week. Never have really gone back to regular exercise like I should and need to.

Then I started eating all the damn leftover cookies.  I really have been hit or miss with keeping my eating under control as well. 

What a mess.

What a huge mess I've created for myself.

I need to pull my head out of my ass.  I need to find my groove again and get moving in the right direction. 

I'm feeling hopeless and helpless.

I won't quit because if I do, I'm done for.

But it's so hard and I'm so tired.

So very tired.

Where'd my mojo go? 

Last week was horrible.

Simply horrid. I knew last week that I'd gained.  The receptionist at WW confirmed I had; but thankfully didn't tell me how much (I didn't want to know).  I know it couldn't be good.  I really didn't need negative thoughts derail me.  I'll look tomorrow.

This week was...better.

Things that made this week better?

• I tracked. Every damn morsel for 5 days.  Yes, I skipped Saturday and Sunday although honestly it wasn't too bad.  Saturday we went to Old Country Buffet for the boys' birthday celebration (definitely the choice of the 2 eight year olds, not mine!) and I felt in control and ate until I was full, not stuffed.
• I planned my breakfast and lunch much better and got rid of the things that are temptations to me.  I still had a small treat (Danish butter cookie---Just one after my lunch with a BIG mug of herbal tea), but not a treat that makes me jump off the deep end.
• I made sure to have 2 water bottles filled and ready to go for the day.  I usually get really lazy after lunch and don't refill it.  This way, I had no excuse not to drink my water
• Had some nice, warm tea after lunch.  This helped satiate me and cleanse my palate.  I wasn't as likely to keep eating when all the taste of lunch was gone
• I brought snacks to keep me from getting light-headed.  We have finals this week and the schedule's all screwy.  I knew getting a snack was going to be difficult so I found some reasonable points plus items and kept them hidden in my desk to get me through.  I also made sure to have my insulated lunch bag with me with fruit and low-fat cheese.  It definitely helped me keep my blood sugar in control and get me to lunch where I could fill up on good, filling foods.

I feel good.

I had some treats, but kept them in check. I'm hoping to get some positive feedback from the scale tomorrow. 

Now, if I can just keep this going, maybe I'll get to goal sometime this century.

My next focus is to get my running back on track. Hopefully, I won't be sucking too much wind!

So, it's been one of those weeks.  One of those completely craptastic food weeks.  One of those weeks where you promise yourself every.single.meal. that you'll do better and you crash and burn spectacularly every time.

That's been my week.

A completely craptastic food week.

I managed to eat an entire bag of Godiva chocolates in one sitting.

They were good.

I ate enough Pirouette cookie things to beach a prima ballerina.  She won't ever pirouette again, forget anyone lifting her.

I ate cookies, chocolates and sweets galore.

Why?

No freaking idea why.  None.

I just ate.

And I suck.

And my pants? 

They're tight. *sob!*

I have weigh-in tomorrow and I'm dreading it.

I'm dreading facing the scale; facing the damage I've done in the last 2 weeks.

I'm hate that I only managed to squeeze 1 workout in this week.  I somehow twisted/hurt my back on December 27 and it's just now starting to feel slightly better.  I've been too afraid of further injuring it that I've backed away from exercising and it's killing me. 

I feel huge.

I feel achy and restless. 

I need to exercise.  If I don't for an extended period, I feel like crud.

I'm dreading those first few workouts I'm going to have to complete before I get back into the groove of things again.

***BIG BREATH***

Ok, so.  My one little word this year is "complete". 

So, I need to complete this.

I need to put one foot in front of the other and do what I gotta do.

Man, this losing weight, being healthy and keeping it together as an adult just sucks sometimes!

It's New Year's Eve, 2011.  Tomorrow is the beginning of a whole new year!  For good or for bad, 2011 will be over and we'll turn towards all the unknown of the upcoming year.

This is also the time of year many make resolutions.  Typical ones are losing weight, stopping smoking, beginning an exercise regime, eating better, making better financial choices.  All are very good.  Unfortunately, for a vast majority of people, sticking to their resolutions are short-term at best.  Count me in on the failed resolutions of years past.  I, like many, resolved THIS would be the year X would happen.  I can't even count how many times I promised myself I would lose weight, I'd exercise, I'd eat better.  We all know how that panned out.  Ya. Not well.

Two years ago, I'd had enough.  I'd had enough of being morbidly obese.  Tired of feeling bad.  Of not having clothes to wear out.  Of looking like a balloon at work.  Of being so darn tired at the end of the end and in so much pain that I felt like I was 98 years old and not the 38 I was. 

The beginning of 2010 was went I made the decision not to try, not to resolve, but just DO.  Over the course of 2 years, I'm down almost 40 lbs.  Ya.  It could be better.  But, I could also be much heavier.  And if history is any indication, I most definitely would have. 

I've realized over the past few years, that for me, New Year's Resolutions, don't work. I get too worked up and stressed out over them.  I get anxious and try to do too much too fast.  Obviously, that just causes me to fail and it's no wonder that I never accomplished my goals or succeeded in my resolutions.

A few years ago, I came across a scrapbooking blog by Ali Edwards.  She had this class for a year long scrapbook dealing with a little word that would carry you through the year.  It's a bit of a take-off on the resolutions we all make, but all tied up in a little word. 

My first year, I chose "Breathe".  I have three kids all withing 18 months of each other.  I was finding it insanely difficult to do everything I needed and wanted to get done in a 24 hour period.  I have a bad tendency to get overwhelmed, stressed out and anxious at the best of times....with three smallish kids, to say I was a mess would have been an understatement!

That whole year, everything something happened that caused me stress, I'd quietly remind myself to just "breathe".  Amazingly, it worked. I was able to calm down enough to get a clear picture of what was actually happening and focus on how to handle it.  Things didn't overwhelm me all the time.  I felt a little bit more in control.  It was the first time in my life that I'd accomplished my year-long goal.  I just breathed. 

Over the years, I've continued to pick a word.  Some years are more successful than others.  Last year's word was "Strong".  Didn't go great, but ok. I learned that I was pretty darn strong.  I lost and gained weight.  Lost it and then gained it again.  Sigh....but I was strong.  I didn't throw in the towel; although, truth be told, there certainly were moments I desperately wanted to!  I was strong enough to challenge myself to training for a 5K and actually completed it!  Honestly, I think that was the highlight of my year!  I've participated in 4 5K races and did a 2 mile Turkey Chase on Thanksgiving Day.  That's pretty strong.  I've become a stronger advocate for myself.  I won't let someone just steamroll over me or my opinions (although, truth be told, I have never really had a problem opening my mouth! lol!).

Where I perhaps was not as successful in putting the word "strong" into motion is with strength training which is an area I really thought the word would be most fitting and most motivating.  I think a lot of my problem is the fear of it.  Not sure why I fear it, but I do.  Intellectually, this is completely stupid, but emotionally, I'm scared.  Go figure.

So, what will the word for 2012 be?

COMPLETE

I'm fabulous at starting stuff.  Take this blog.  Pretty good about starting it.  After a few weeks, I get bored with it, and stop.

Exercise. Love running...find every reason in the world not to do it.  Love it when I make myself do it. Dontcha love my stupidity?

Crafts.  Oh, how I love crafting---knitting, scrapping, card making, beading.  You name it, I LOVE to do it. Except I don't really finish much.  Or I start and then come back to it months later.

School.  I have been thinking about completing the 6 credits I need to recertify in 2015.  Seems like it's pretty far away, huh?  Ya.  Me too.  Except before I know it, it'll be 2015 and I'll  have 0 credits earned. 

Finances.  This year, I've been really bad about sitting with R. and budgeting each week like we used to.  It stresses me out when I don't know exactly where our money is going...yet, I don't take the time to complete the budget with him in order to alleviate the stress. 

So...this year's word is COMPLETE. 

I'm hoping to complete many things this year:

• complete my weight-loss journey in 2012 and be under 200 lbs
• complete my strength training and tone up arms, legs, butt, thighs and mid-section
• complete the bridge program from 5K-10K and complete my first 10K by the end of 2012
• complete my 6 credits before returning to school to begin the 2012-13 school year
• complete my craft projects--especially my grandiose goal of having a knit scarf, had or headwarmer/earwarmer for each member of my extended family for Christmas 2012 (pray for me and my fingers!)
• complete the weekly budget with R. each week
• complete 1 entry/week here on my blog--keep track of how I'm doing fitness and nutrition wise and have an outlet for any frustration I may be feeling

That's a lot to accomplish in a year, but I like that it's all wrapped up in one little word.

Happy New Year to you and my wish for you is that all your dreams come true in 2012!

In the winter, I found out about a 'learn to run' course offered by a local running store and I must have gotten a touch of the 'craycray' because I signed up, bought shoes, insoles and socks, took a deep breath and on March 28, I started running...kind of.

What I actually did March 28 was walk 4 minutes and 'run' 1 minute.  I remember 'running' for that 1 minute and highly doubting I was going to be able to actually run more than that minute.  My most difficult interval was actually doing the walk 2 minutes, run 2 minutes interval night.  I honestly thought I was going to pass out.  I really wanted to just cry during our practice run.  In fact there was a lot of cursing going out...both internally and verbally. 

Honestly, when I looked at the training schedule I rolled my eyes and decided that if I could run a couple of minutes at a time, I'd be thrilled.  No need for this crazy sport called 'running'. I decided I'd complete the course and put a little check next to "learn to run". 

After about a month, while still swearing up a storm and kinda scaring my fellow runners with my outloud monologue while running (I promise I wasn't swearing out loud; it was mostly things like 'You can do it!  Almost there!  Keep running!  Grrr...seriously, when's the whistle gonna blow so I can walk?!" kinda things), I realized that there were actually stretches of running where I enjoyed it.  The endorphins kicked in and it was, gasp, dare I say it? --fun!

We eventually moved up to running a set mileage.  While I can't say I ever ran the whole distance without stopping, I can say that it got easier.  I finally figured out my running and breathing rhythmn and my calves stopped seizing up 1/4 of the way into the run like they used to.

The course culminated in a 5K run on May 30.  That would be today. 

Never in a million years did I believe I'd willingly sign up for and participate in a 5K, let alone complete it! It  

t was really hot and humid; not my favorite running weather.  I slogged through though.  I ran the whole first half.  I was ok until the water station and then the combo of running, the heat and water sloshing around my insides all got to be too much and I stalled. 

While that is certainly disappointing, I'm very proud of myself right now.  I didn't quit.  I didn't cry and give up (and man did I ever want to!).  I just sucked it up and moved my arse through the rest of the course. 

The most amazing moment was when I was coming up on the finish line and I could hear all the cheering.  People I don't know were cheering me on.  It gave me that last boost of energy I needed to cross the finish line.  It was such an AWESOME feeling!ing!

I finished in roughly 50 minutes.  Not my best time, but with all the heat and humidity, I'm happy with it.

I think I'm hooked...

That's where my weight has been.  Up one week, down the next, back up the following week.  Seriously, WHAT THE HELL is wrong with me?  I get so damn frustrated with myself.  It's completely my fault.  No one forces food down my throat.  No one makes me make not so great choices. That all rests with me. 

Apparently, I haven't quite gotten frustrated enough, because I keep doing this over and over and over again.

I didn't track all of yesterday's food.  I didn't track at all today.  I think I'm losing my everloving mind with this.  I'm totally PMSing and bloated beyond belief. 

A couple of weeks ago, I bought new clothes but I'm scared to death the wear them.  I wore pants last week that I'd been wearing all fall/winter and they were not feeling all that great around the waist.  UGH!  This is making me BANANAS.  I'm hoping that when I'm done with this crazy bloat, I'll feel better.

On a positive note, I've been training for my 5k at the end of the month.  I can now mostly run, but still have to walk 2.5 miles in about 30ish minutes.  I'm totally happy with that.  I'm hoping on race day I can do the 3.1 miles in under 50 minutes.  It's such an exhilirating feeling to run that far.  The feeling of accomplishment and the endorphins running through my system are wonderful!  I've even had a few moments of that "zen" feeling I imagine most runners having when I see them running. 

I'm ready for the scale to go down...now hopefully I can make a mind-body-scale connection and actually have it happen!

I have very often in my weight-loss journey refused to look backwards.  I have refused to let past failures be my crutch to give up this time.  I have put, mostly, in the back of my mind, the weeks that I have struggled, gained, or just had a not-so-great  week; refusing to let that one bump in the road derail me from my ultimate goal of hitting my healthy weight.

Today, I realized that every so often, I need to look back because I have a tendancy to forget how much I've accomplished.

Last year, I was thrilled if I made it onto the treadmill for 30 minutes and managed to walk and not pass out.

Last year, I would have given my left arm to have been down 45 lbs. 

Last year, I would have killed to be in a smaller pant size.

Last year, walking up and down the stairs was an enterprise that required planning.  Going up with a basket of laundry or my school bag took the planning of a mountaineering expidition to Mt. Everest. At school, I had to take the elevator to my classroom or I'd embarass myself with the amount of huffing and puffing I'd be doing by the time I got up two flights of stairs.

Last year, my fibro was so out of control bad, it was all I could do to teach, come home, make dinner and fall on the couch exhausted and in pain.

Today, my fibro is mostly in control between exercise, weight-loss and some low-dose medication.

Today, I can race up the stairs with a heavy school bag full of  tests and textbooks. I can do that and not be out of breath.  It no longer requires a lot of planning to go up and down a flight of stairs at home.

Today, I'm down 3 dress sizes and have the baggy butt pants to prove it.

Today, I'm down 45 lbs and I didn't have to lose a limb to do it.

Today, I ran 2 miles. RAN!  Did you hear that?!  I.ran.2.miles.

Holy cow! 

Look at what I've accomplished!  A year ago, I could barely walk on the treadmill for half an hour.  Today, I'm running 2 miles.

Sometimes, I need to remember that it's good to look back. 

I have very often in my weight-loss journey refused to look backwards.  I have refused to let past failures be my crutch to give up this time.  I have put, mostly, in the back of my mind, the weeks that I have struggled, gained, or just had a not-so-great  week; refusing to let that one bump in the road derail me from my ultimate goal of hitting my healthy weight.

Today, I realized that every so often, I need to look back because I have a tendancy to forget how much I've accomplished.

Last year, I was thrilled if I made it onto the treadmill for 30 minutes and managed to walk and not pass out.

Last year, I would have given my left arm to have been down 45 lbs. 

Last year, I would have killed to be in a smaller pant size.

Last year, walking up and down the stairs was an enterprise that required planning.  Going up with a basket of laundry or my school bag took the planning of a mountaineering expidition to Mt. Everest. At school, I had to take the elevator to my classroom or I'd embarass myself with the amount of huffing and puffing I'd be doing by the time I got up two flights of stairs.

Last year, my fibro was so out of control bad, it was all I could do to teach, come home, make dinner and fall on the couch exhausted and in pain.

Today, my fibro is mostly in control between exercise, weight-loss and some low-dose medication.

Today, I can race up the stairs with a heavy school bag full of  tests and textbooks. I can do that and not be out of breath.  It no longer requires a lot of planning to go up and down a flight of stairs at home.

Today, I'm down 3 dress sizes and have the baggy butt pants to prove it.

Today, I'm down 45 lbs and I didn't have to lose a limb to do it.

Today, I ran 2 miles. RAN!  Did you hear that?!  I.ran.2.miles.

Holy cow! 

Look at what I've accomplished!  A year ago, I could barely walk on the treadmill for half an hour.  Today, I'm running 2 miles.

Sometimes, I need to remember that it's good to look back. 

Last time I blogged, I mentioned that I had finally lost 45 pounds!  Yippee!  I was happy all week.  So happy, in fact, that I kept eating well, exercising and honestly was feeling my body shrink and tighten up.  Awesome, right?  Ya...well, apparently the scale didn't agree.  I went up 1.4 that week.  What the heck?  Seriously?!  UGH!

So, the week after, I ate everything in sight.  When I say everything, I mean EVERYTHING!  Needless to say, come weigh-in day, I wasn't too thrilled to see what the scale would see.  I asked the receptionist to not tell me what the result was.  I was having major guilt about how crappy I'd eaten, not to mention how crappy I was feeling physically. My fibro was going full tilt bad.  The crap I was putting in my body weren't helping; neither was the weather...cold, rainy, dreary.  It was wreaking havoc on me and it's like I have no memory retention.  It's not like it's the first time my fibro's gone bananas when I eat like crap.  Oh, and for added insult to injury, when I finally had the courage to look at my weigh-in book I was up 3 lbs. Nice.

Last week, I was so PMSing.  Normally, I eat, eat, eat.  I actually managed to keep it together but felt gross, fat and bloated.  Big surprise.  Thankfully, I lost 0.8 pound.  Yay...now I'm only 4ish pounds away from my all-time low.  This week was another week of weirdness for me.  I ate and tracked well for most of the day, but by the time I got home, it was like a crazy eating monster took over and I just couldn't stop eating!  Thankfully, I also got my period and I was smart enough to at least not eat dinner on those nights...oh, did I mention I was od'ing on peanutbutter?  Ya.  No need for those dinner points after scarfing down several tablespoons of peanutbutter and bananas.  I don't even like bananas all that much and until about 6 months ago, the thought of peanutbutter and bananas made me gag just a little.

So...long story short, at my weigh-in today, I'm down 1.4 lbs.  Yay!  So, now I'm 2 pounds away from my lowest weight.  Yay again.  Sigh.  Why does it take less than 1 week to gain the weight and another month to lose it again. 

The goal for this week: actually track all day and get my exercise in.  Simple, right?  I'm hoping so because I just.want.to.get.to.50lbs.down.

Wish me luck!